The Bieber Catastrophe

To be able to completely enjoy the post, Click here to watch the video, and listen to the lyrics while you watch. Sorry, I know this is asking for a lot.

Also, I have, for once, used a proof reader other than TGWTT. Thanks, Ranjitha Shivaram! (read her blog, she writes damn well herself)

Note – I am not a masochist.

It has been a year since I’ve been hearing people scream at the top of their voices that an entity named Justin Bieber sucks so hard, I had reasons to believe that a human being has finally been able to create absolute vacuum. I came across spoofs, webcomics, and works in almost every medium possible suggesting as much. Here was one guy on whose sexuality, more questions were raised than on that of Karan Johar’s, and that’s something! All because of one song??? That seemed a little strange.

But I was hell bent to spare the little traces of well-being I had left, so much so that I had decided at the very beginning that I was not going to subject myself to the torture of actually watching a Bieber Video. So much so, that at as much as a hint of a bieber song being played somewhere, I used to run away faster than a Rakhi Sawant confronted with a Burqa.

However, as soon as I left IIT, I started meeting people of the other kind. I have met guys (???) who claim to play his music (???) in loop. I have known girls who call each other whenever they find out that one of his songs is playing on TV. Finally, after my 14 year old cousin had to break up with his girlfriend after a three-year long relationship (yeah, that’s right), only because she would get real surly and difficult whenever she used to hear about a rumoured girlfriend (or boyfriend) of Justin Bieber (which is like every other day); I could take it no more. I thought, “Meh! It’s just a music video, how foul can it be?” I have this tendency of checking shit out for myself when I know it can’t damage me permanently. I was soon to find out that I was wrong on MORE THAN ONE counts.

I had to find out why people hated his songs so much.

So I buffered one of his videos on Youtube.

I was not even sure of his real name till that point of time. I just thought that he is some guy surnamed Weaver, who was unfortunate enough to have a Bong manager. However, with the starting credits, that was out of the way. The song was “Baby (ft. Ludacris)”.

Those were 3 minutes and 45 seconds of my life I’ll never get back.

The song started with the trashy “igg dish dish thoomp” beat structure, which my good friend Hridya can beatbox in her sleep, and it’s not really saying much about her beatboxing skills. The song is about a guy (apparently), who professes his undying love for a girl at... wait for it... a bowling alley!!! (Its Canada. What did you expect?).

However, this guy seems to have a plan. He has made a list of things he can tell girls belonging to that part of the globe, to get her to say yes. And he tries them all, one by one, with increasing levels of desperation through the course of the song. Those things, in that precise order, along with the exact words that he uses, are as follows:-

1. Confusing her into believe something that’s not true (“You know you love me, I know you care”)

2. Refusing to listen to her unless she says what you want to hear (“Are we an item? Girl, Quit Playin’! We’re just friends? What are you sayin’???”)

3. Emotional Blackmail (“My first love broke my heart for the first time”)

4. Monetary enticement and the lure of shopping (“I’ll buy you anything / I’ll buy you any ring”)

But deep within, he knows that nothing that he says is going to work unless it’s not complemented with that horrible tone and tune. And finally, the realization dawns (“I’m going down, down, down”).

But as soon as the chorus begins, the girl starts to show interest in Mr Bieber. I did not have to try too hard to understand why. He finally started using a language that was intelligible to the teenage chicks of North America. This is how it’s done:-

1. Choose a word (in this case, the word is BABY) which you’d say again and again AND again, so as to make sure that the chick knows that she’s being addressed. Notice that you need to say it many times because an average North American girl has an attention span of around 7 seconds, as opposed to my attention span which is OOO SHINY CLOTH SO SHINY huhbuhgwuhgwuh

2. Decide upon the message which you want to convey. Phrase it into a sentence consisting STRICTLY of monosyllabic words (here – “thought you’ll always be mine).

3. Choose a lame rhyming scheme (here done using “oh” and “no”), so that she manages to remember it even with her small attention scheme. Make sure that the words you choose for rhyming end as if with a vowel, so that you can carry them as long as required to fill the gaps (for example, Oh can become Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, and so on)

4. Punctuate the lines with a liberal spatter of the magic word “Like”

The end result of this exercise is a chorus refrain that goes:-

Baby, baby, baby, ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Like, Baby, baby, baby, nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Like, Baby, baby, baby, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Thought you’ll always be mine...

Finally, at a point when I could not imagine the song (???) getting any worse, in walked a rapping Brotha’! Although I have to give him credit for being the only seemingly intelligent person involved with the song (He had very aptly picked his stage name “Ludacris”. Either that, or the person who named him in his childhood was a seer), the rapping was terrible (sorry for the double negative). The “Rap” which included classic lines like “She woke me everyday, don’t need no starbucks”, worked as the final nail in the coffin.

Although I did cheer up towards the end for a little while, when they show Bieber and Ludacris goofing around on the sets, and the Brotha holds him in a choke-grip. How I wish he could’ve held on longer and stifled him... Ludacris was my hero and my favourite person in the whole wide world for those 2 seconds.

Finally, the songs died away, along with something inside me.

Final Verdict – Curiosity does not kill only cats. I was the latest casualty. I tried to give him a fair chance, but at the end of the day, he could not make a belieber out of me.

The final blow, however, was yet to come. I was recovering from this shock (with a generous help from Pink Floyd and Queen), when someone forwarded me a link. “Scarlett Johansson all praise for Justin Bieber”

I am a poor man. All I had was hope.

Now I have nothing.

Date a girl who loves music

Note - Someone forwarded me this link titled "Date a girl who reads". While it was beautifully written, it did not appeal to me that much because I don't read myself :P I did not have any emotional connect with the article. Now if only we were talking about a girl who loved music...

So I decided to write one myself. The structure is EXACTLY the same as that of the original article's. I have just changed the viewpoint, and added a couple of things here and there.

As always, Thanks to TGWTT for valuable inputs.

Date a girl who loves music. Date a girl who spends her money at Planet M instead of Gucci and Ralph Lauren. She has problems with her storage space because she has too many MP3s. Date a girl who has a list of discographies she wants to listen to, who has had a Napster account since she was 12.

Find a girl who loves music. You’ll know that she does because you will find her head swaying, feet tapping and lips moving, irrespective of her surroundings. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the music store, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the collector’s edition of the music score of the first non-silent movie ever made in India. You see the weird chick stealthily altering the bass settings on the store’s stereo system? That’s a music lover. They can never resist the bass, especially when it’s an RHCP song playing.

She’s the girl listening to music while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. When you take a peek at her table, you will find four mugs in which she has divided her coffee to varying levels, just so that she can use the whole setup as a percussion instrument. Lost in a world of melodies, harmonies, and time signatures. Sit down. She might not notice you, as most girls who really like their music own a good set of noise-cancellation earphones. Do not disturb her until the song she’s listening to get over. Ask her which song she was listening to.

Buy her another cup of coffee, and bring her 6 more mugs and a couple of spoons.

Let her know what you really think of Hans Zimmer. See if she managed to bear any song by Hoobastank apart from “The reason”. Understand that if she says she understood Sigur Ros’ lyrics, she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she likes Frida Lyngstad or she would like to be Frida Lyngstad.

It’s easy to date a girl who loves her music. Gift her music for Birthdays and festivals, for occasions and for the lack of them. Give her the gift of songs, in MP3s, in FLAC; and she will burst with joy when you tell her what the FLAC it is. Give her Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin. Let her know that you understand that musical notes are love. Understand that she knows life ain’t a song but by god, she’s going to make her life a little like her favorite musical. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Make mistakes. If she understands music, she will understand that even the Beatles have made trashy music. Be repetitive – She understands that a lingering refrain only adds to the beauty of the solo. Be irregular – She knows that a change from your usual stuff is good once in a while, and unpredictability keeps things interesting.

Fail her. Because a girl who loves music understands that tragic failures often follow masterpieces. Because she understands that no Jam continues forever. That you can always do an encore or a reprise. That staccato is as much a part of life as anything else.

Why be frightened of never being the kind of person that you thought girls conventionally fall for? A girl who loves music knows that a good jazz can steal her heart as easily as the most handsome classical piece.

If you find a girl who loves music, keep her close. When you find her at 2 AM in the night, gently crying while playing and replaying the same section over and over again, make a cup of tea for her and hold her. You may lose her for a little while, but she will always come back to you, and you can expedite the process by humming the song that makes her happy, and then pretending as if you have forgotten the lyrics so that she has to sing along with you. She’ll tell you that she started crying because the music reminded her of her childhood, or of when her favorite dog died; and you’ll understand, knowing that music can touch as gently and yet as strongly as people or experiences can.

You will propose before an Opera. Or after a concert. Or simply while sitting at home, with a hint of her favorite piece playing in the background.

Your existence with light up with the symphony of a thousand violins playing in the background, and your heart will beat as if closely following the rhythm pattern on a Tool record. You will compose the song of your life, talk to each other in singsong, and spend your idle time thinking of names for your kids which might include the names of your favorite musicians, without embarrassing your children. The only arguments you will ever have would be the ones discussing whether a given time signature is 5/4 or 11/8.

She will introduce your kids to Chopin and Pink Floyd, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together, criticizing the young musicians and having prolonged discussions, finally culminating in the conclusion that the music that you grew up listening to was the absolute best of all times.

Date a girl who loves music because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most tuneful and harmonious life imaginable. If all you can give her is cacophony, then you are better off alone. If you want the world and the world beyond it, date a girl who loves music.

Or better yet, date a girl who composes music.

No Compunction

One of the several brainstorming, revolutionary, groundbreaking (as always), and not to mention, incredibly sad conversations that yours truly and the guy who typed this have shared... This one took place on an idiotic Monday night.

My Status on Google read off from the lyrics of some song, which went as follows: “Jeena meraaaa... mushkil hai yaar tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina; Marna mera, mushkil hai yaar tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, te-re binaaa, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere bina, tere binaaa…”

Needless to say, such a thing needs its own blog-discussion.

TGWTT: The guy needs to learn that alliteration is not good in excess and it is more than alliteration, it is repetition

TNNNG: alliteration leads to altercation

TGWTT: though it started with defecation

TNNNG: it ends with defamation

TNNNG: I just prefer to express my expostulation in fact, it's almost an obligation

TGWTT: I get it, and your services need some appreciation

TNNNG: I just hope this would forestall the trend's proliferation

TGWTT: oh, no... not unless we resort to prohibition

TNNNG: but all you guys are busy with procrastination

TGWTT: us? We’re not responsible for such mental infarctions!

TNNNG: you could at least stand up against this humiliation

TNNNG: here I bear the onus of this task even while I’m under probation

TGWTT: I know, I know it wasn't your decision and pretty much against your volition

TNNNG: but now my brain cells are on the verge of decrepitation

TGWTT: better that than rhyming in desperation

TNNNG: but what do I do about my exasperation

TGWTT: hmm, ignoring the lyrics seems to be the best action

TNNNG: definitely the best way to fend off frustration

Though I’d like to keep up my act of remonstration

TGWTT: I agree, there seems to be a sense of retribution

TNNNG: waise we haven't lost our touch, this was a good demonstration

TGWTT: oh yes, we've still got the imagination

TNNNG: now if only you'd join hands against the perpetration

TGWTT: even if our vocabulary is unaffected by our vocation

Oh, I wish I could, and I’d gladly share the incrimination

TNNNG: you can do whatever I can, there certainly ain't no discrimination

TGWTT: but in terms of lyrics, compared to you, I know a meagre fraction

TNNNG: I can handle their department; your company will just amplify my jubilation

TGWTT: so, all you ask for is my participation?

TNNNG: yeah, this activity needs revivification and the practice needs condemnation

TGWTT: so, I am handling which section? Yeah, we need to cause some more irritation

TNNNG: we will divide the roles in the next session

TGWTT: sounds like we're headed towards social abolition

TNNNG: it's either that or eternal damnation

TGWTT: I’d be fine with the former; the latter is a scary notion

TNNNG: that certainly is no prevarication

TGWTT: yea, we can always live up to our reputation.

TNNNG: Now let’s end the discussion and resort to more normal modes of conversation_____ howdy? :P

Movie Day Disaster

P.S. (What? You can't have a Pre-Script?) - My love for cinema halls in small towns in on a slippery slope.

P.P.S. - Sorry Mr. Sunny Somani, but this is the only narrative style that suited this article. I still can't pull it off as well as you do every time.

Chhindwara. My hometown.

It's a boring sort of a town.

And mine is a boring sort of a colony.

No friends. No work. Nothing to do.

Choices

1. Hanging out with mom and helping her figure out why my Aunt seems angry.

2. Taking Dadi out for shopping

3. Helping my cousin with his Math Homework.

I go for none of the above, and choose the invisible option#4.

Gonna watch a movie. Bitchass!!!

Try to find the movies listing.

Realize that the only decent movie amongst the hordes of B-Z grade movies, is The Karate Kid.

Now, I wasn't a great fan of the earlier KK (karate kid) movies. But it was a logical option over Pyaasi jawaani, Khatre ki raat and (gasp) Meri Dhoti Tera Ghaghra.

Decide to go for the 12:30 Show. Big Cinema

Out of the shower at 12:00.

Since no two places in Chhindwara are separated by a distance of more than 3 kms, I decide to wait up and listen to some songs.

I Choose Parikrama.

"But it rained."

The Gods Oblige.

I miss the 12:30 show.

3:00 PM. I finally decide to go.

Somehow my brain's not working well.

I jump two red lights on my way.

Offer the parking ticket instead of money to the guy at the ticket counter.

Offer the Movie ticket instead of the money to the guy at the cold-drinks counter.

I go to my seat. The theater is almost empty. I am alone. The movie starts. Won't get bored for 2:30 hours. Woohoo!

I knew that the movie starts with an African-American family moving to China. So a big incentive for me behind watching the movie was that I'd be hearing awesome Chinese and Nigerian-German (shorten for yourself, I don't wanna get my blog reported as racist) accents.

The Gods hear me again.

Movie making is an act of great precision.

Attention to detail is important.

But I realize that it's just as important to be precise while checking the movie listings. Each alphabet makes a difference.

Especially if that one alphabet happens to be an H, enclosed with brackets.

"Ye ladka chhota hai magar yaqeenan Karate kar sakta hai."

Dubbed in Hindi. I'm screwed.

There were no Chinese accents due to the dubbing. And the worst part...

Do you know how they tend to get the African-American guys' dubbing done in a mumbaiya Tapori accent?

Yep.

I have seen a lot of weird shit in my life, but watching a 10 year old Jaden Smith saying "Tum to Dhaansu fighter ho" and "Main unhe phodna chahta hoon" does strange things to your digestive system in particular and to your will to live in general.

(Sample this. The kid wants to encourage his chick who is practicing a violin piece. The original english dialogue, with a very afro-american swagger, was "I think... you'll be smokin'." What you get to hear, visually aided with those mannerisms, was "Mere khyaal se... Tumhaara jaadu chal jaayega.")

It's okay, I think. Shit happens, I think. And as soon as I brace myself for the hindi dubbing, the Chhindwara crowd decides to play it's part.

The fight begins. Jackie Chan tackles 6 guys at once.

To my horror, people stand up and start clapping, all the while screaming "kya maara hai" and "maar saale ko"

Then the kickass kung-fu music starts. Two kids come up to the screen and start dancing.

:|

:|

The final scene. The coveted kung-fu tournament. Final round. The fabled "Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy." Becomes "Koi daya nahin. Koi darr nahin. Koi rehem nahin."

The pressure's building up. Our braided Jedi fights the Evil Storm Trooper (This kid equalled a storm trooper in terms of facial expressions). Yoda watches on. Evil kid has instructions to swipe the leg.

He jumps.

Turns in the air.

People excited.

The Gods of irony wake up.

Power cut.

Chicks start wondering which nailpolish would look good on the kid.

Guys marvel at his abs and consider taking up his hairstyle.

I consider drowning myself after killing all the people present there.

The movie starts again. The kid is about to deliver the final blow.

People stand up in anticipation (Yeah, that happens here)

Kid jumps. Sure to get his move right. And he does.

Roaring applause.

The experience can't get worse, I'm sure

Chhindwara's movie going crowd has other plans in mind.

Clank! Clank! Clank!

The first two are sounds of coins hitting the screen. Somebody decides to throw five buck coins on the screen as a reward for the kid.

The final clank is my jaw hitting the floor.

ENOUGH!!!

No more movies in Chhindwara. Ever!!!

Oh wait. I Hate Luv Storys (Sic) releases on friday.

GODDAMMIT!!!

My Bucket list (KGP specific)

40 days… shit man… kya kuchh nahin karna hai abhi!
Ek baar aur stage pe jaana hai.
ETMS ke saath bahut saare acoustic sessions karne hain. Aur LTMS ke saath impromptu jamming.
Taaz ka biryani khaana hai ek baar aur. Preferably with Pappu, but wo health-conscious item aayega nahin saala.
DC ke room pe us se godfather solo bajwaana hai. Uske saath ek bhi pic nahin hai meri… kuchh awesome pics leni hain.
Halu ke room pe baithna hai while he cleans his room… old days types… uske saath jaake ek baar garm rasgullah bhi khaana hai.
Dadi ke hath ka pulaav bhi khaana hai… Jaimini ke saath Indian politics pe discussion bhi to karna hai!
Cake ke saath ek baar life ke funde discuss karne hai… kabhi usey properly samjha nahin paaya how good a friend he has been and how I always try to give it back in equal measures.
Ron aur cake ke sath jaana hai aur 3 treats leni hain cake se… deta nahin hai kameena.
Gully cricket mein century maarna hai. Ek baar Sher-e-Punjab jaana hai.
Dhiman and CFM Azad hall ke saath ek huha bakar movie dekhni hai. Aloo ke saath ek aur discussion karna hai… its interesting how people with totally conflicting outlooks can still sit together and enjoy a bakar session.
Mrigesh-Mehta ke saath arbit gaane chillate aur spoof karte hue 2.2 maarna hai phir se.
Special mention to Archi 4th year batch… Alok, Koki, Praddy, Ranjitha… tum logon ko treat pe le jaana tha, but I think it’s a little too late for that now :(
But naved ko abhi bhi treat deni hai, us se pehle treat leni bhi to hai us se!
LTMS 4th years ko CCD le kar jaana hai.
Dep farewell mein phir kuchh controversial bolna hai. Phir profs ko approve karte hue dekhna hai.
Ek baar phir etms treat karni hai. I can’t let the SEP treat be the last time that I was eating out with the whole of etms. Is baar Juhi aur Somya ko bhi kheench ke le kar jaana hai aur frust karna hai. PUURA ETMS!!!
CCD pe kishan aur sudha aur shom ke saath ek infinite bakar session karna hai.
Hridya ko apne finger-bending skills se frust karna hai, aur ek baar uske saath beat boxing bhi karni hai.
And I am pretty sure jitna kuchh yahan pe likha hai, us se zyada points main miss kar raha hoon.
......................................................................................
Shit man… kya kuchh nahin karna hai abhi!

Ahem...

Suddenly found myself missing people, who are also currently missing from KGP.

I miss Nishad for being just the most caring, spirited and simply the most wonderful buddy anyone can ever hope for. I miss the awesome night-outs that we spent deifying some musicians, lambasting some others, or just generally bhaating. I miss rooting for him during WTMS productions and inter-halls, and him cheering me up during ETMS productions. I am also sorry for failing to be the same to him that one time, but I hope he knows that was completely unintentional, and it’d be completely different had I known how bad he would feel about it.

I miss Deepthi and watching her with Nishad almost every time when I went out for a walk, and literally every time that I went to eat out, all waving and smiling warmly as I thought to myself, “Man this girl talks funnily (yes, it’s a word) sometimes, but she really is amazing.”

I miss Chatty da for his extremely warm nature and his sense of humour that was ageing like fine wine, till one day when it suddenly started ageing like milk. I also miss him for the way we used to gang up against Pappu to make his life miserable, taunting him for everything under the sun, and for something that were above it as well. I miss him for the widely interspersed funda sessions that usually emerged out of nowhere, starting with, "Duude!". I miss him because of "dekho maa stud aaya". I can't crib much here, because Jhimli probably misses him more than I do, and is going to cry bitterly when she reads this post.

I miss Rauuuu da for being the most comforting soul around, and for putting a smile on my face every time I felt stressed out, frustrated, or simply bored during the past couple of years.

I miss Maggu for the random midnight bhaat sessions involving extremely profound thoughts about nothing, and for him watching a stupid silly TV soap named ‘Dill mill gaye” (Hearts went through a milling maching) just because it had a character named Mayank, who was a topper and upon whom the hottest girl of the college had a crush.

I miss Anikh 'Ban kar doonga' Thakur for the awesome webcomic suggestions, his incessant bakar on DC mainchat, usually ending with him kennylizing people, for his ability to make lewd jokes out of almost everything, and for Dhachad³ .

I miss Avi for reminding me time-and-again, that good people are not totally extinct yet (Also for frequent patronizing sessions, and for making the use of the shutdown key on maggu’s keyboard)

I miss Modi for being a totall goofball 24*7, cracking as well as coughing up jokes very gracefully, and seeming casually heedless towards everything except his prof, but then invariably being the first one to get your back when you needed a friend around.

I miss VJ for being a finance-funda-counter, and for having a blog that kept reminding me that I am still an outsider to the English language. I miss Sushil for his (over)modesty, and his frequent Butters moments. I miss Singhal for being the JLo of the wing, which often translated to being the butt (pun intended) of all jokes during the wing treats.

I miss Shreevant for encouraging us (a lot of girls miss him too, but their reasons are different), Varun (Achar) for inspiring us and teaching me most of what I know about singing, Singhi for his awesome skills (apart from all the GPL Conspiracies against him that kept us busy, and the baskets of apples his parents sent him every weekend) and Surd for being (Ab)Surd in general.

I miss Dash, Prao, Akhandal, Shreevant (another mention) Aayu, and last but not the least, AKC (his nutjobbery was also a contributing factor though) for being some of the most wonderful seniors humanly possible. I miss Kapish da for always helping me out, and being very nice and polite to me, even though I never got to know him all that well. I miss Saurav Dutta for “Phaack you Phaakaar”.

I miss Shailvee for being so nice and so frank all the time. I miss Pathok because I don’t get to suddenly scream “Pathoooook” anymore.

I miss Bhati for showing me that there hope and optimism ranks much higher than grades. I miss Pushpendra for being such an awesome person, apart from being a diligent student who never got his due while others who copied assignments from him went places. I hope he makes it big in life, because he deserves it. I miss Bhadani for being the person who distracted the professors when nobody wanted to answer them. I miss Adi for his poltu, and his being chafed when I mentioned the same at the departmental farewell function. I miss Ketan for being TEH stud, and for committing the act of studaapa just after convincing the people around him that he won’t be able to do it. I miss Fachcha for being the Mr. Know-all of the Department. I miss Kathel for being Kathel, apart from being my friend imported from Bhopal, who helped me at times when I really needed help. I miss Arpit and Kanhaiya for being such awesome people, whom I unfortunately got to know very little, and that too only during the last semester. I miss Shadab for being just the politest person ever.

I miss Piyush, because of the camaraderie that we shared, despite of us being as different from each other on every level as is possible (except for our shared love for music). I miss his halu expressions and all the different kinds of weird, strange sounds that he could make. I miss Puja for being the nicest girl I have ever met, apart from being the girl I most enjoyed eating out with, and the only girl I know who has an awesome handshake. I also miss her for the enormous amount of faith and confidence that she had in me, and in all her friends in general. I miss Arpita because of the first 1 year that I spent around her, trying to make small talk at best, always afraid of being scolded (kinda), and then for spending the coming following two years trying find excuses to hang out with her, basically because of the cord that we struck with each other, and because she is such an awesome company when you wanna hang out. I miss the way Dhiman’s eyes lit up whenever he used to come up with that amazing surprise for his girl which I could never even think of, and the way only he can.

I miss Tembe for being my first friend in KGP, for always giving that warm smile whenever I waved at him, and for the awesome job-cum-first-year-group-get-together treat. I miss Cake because he is largely unavailable now, and I miss Pastry just because I know Cake misses her (and I am not talking about desserts. I love food, not that much)

And I am worried about the same time next year, because I know that this list is only going to grow - astronomically.

The Duck Incident

Note: Please keep clicking on the hyperlinks provided.

It looks like a duck. It walks like a duck. It quacks like a duck.

The responses:-

Average Joe: It is a duck.

A Symbolic Logic student: Saying that it is a duck will make a strong inductive argument.

Engineering Student: I think I will be able to answer you a night before the examination.

Doctor: Might be a duck. But since this is tter of life and death, I suggest you carry out these tests worth 50k-odd bucks on the found creature.

Lawyer: Since it looks, walks and quacks like a duck, it is very apparent that it is not a duck.

Australian: It is either a crocodile or a kangaroo, mayyte.

Restauranteur: Lemme check. If it is, indeed, a duck, I shall run a duck special on the menu today.

Bong Restauranteur: Aagaar daak (duck) hoga to kaal (kal) banega dada. Aaaj daak naaai hoga.

Bong Politician: Cholbe na! Eta Cholbe na! Daak pe atyachaar cholbe na! Strike korbo!!! Aamaara Red chair aur Loudspeakaar laao!!!

MJ: This question is eegnorant!

Chris Rocker (Britney Spears' fan): LEAVE THE DUCK ALONE!!! LEAVE IT ALONE!!! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS AFTER ALL THAT SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH? YOU ARE LUCKY SHE EVEN QUACKS FOR YOU!!!

Pamela Anderson: Well I don’t exactly knowwww what a duck is, but if it is an animal, and they are studying it, then this is cruelty. I shall design a nude campaign with PETA on this issue to save my plummeting popularity levels the poor ducks.

Dumb blonde (except Pamela Anderson): I personally believe that US Americans can not answer this question because some people out there in our nation do not have ducks. And we should help the ducks in countries such as the Iraq and in South Africa and everywhere like such as AND I feel that the ducks in the US should help the US or should help the Iraq and other Asian countries and hence.

Thakur: Dhachad Dhachad Dhachad

Vaibhhav Sinha: Dude! The ignominy of the promiscuity of the illicit nature of the citing of the said quadruped, coupled with your pusillanimity discernible from this act of showing incomprehensible interest in a creature of sub-human intelligence followed by presenting me with such a pathetic query showcases your inability to add 2 and 2 to come up with the correct answer of 4.75. (Intentional use of incomprehensible language? You bet! Dude scored 740 in GRE verbal section. Intentional calculation mistake? Right again!!! 740 in GRE quant section!!!This is something he still ReGREts) (Don't worry if the first few lines don't make sense to you. If you understand his statement completely, then it's probably not his statement to begin with.)

Chef Brian: Aah! A roster! The tomatoes of my brain are mighty pleased. WTF, you ask?Aah... the meaning of life! Mashed potatoes minus stale socks equals "The fuck". Learn.

KGP Prof (and I shit you not): We know that it is not a duck, but since we have to assume something, let us assume that it is a duck.

Haiku Writer: Duck or dog or goat / Unless it can eat you up / What's the friggin' point mate?