Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Movie Day Disaster

P.S. (What? You can't have a Pre-Script?) - My love for cinema halls in small towns in on a slippery slope.
P.P.S. - Sorry Mr. Sunny Somani, but this is the only narrative style that suited this article. I still can't pull it off as well as you do every time.

Chhindwara. My hometown.
It's a boring sort of a town.
And mine is a boring sort of a colony.
No friends. No work. Nothing to do.

1. Hanging out with mom and helping her figure out why my Aunt seems angry.
2. Taking Dadi out for shopping
3. Helping my cousin with his Math Homework.

I go for none of the above, and choose the invisible option#4.
Gonna watch a movie. Bitchass!!!

Try to find the movies listing.
Realize that the only decent movie amongst the hordes of B-Z grade movies, is The Karate Kid.
Now, I wasn't a great fan of the earlier KK (karate kid) movies. But it was a logical option over Pyaasi jawaani, Khatre ki raat and (gasp) Meri Dhoti Tera Ghaghra.

Decide to go for the 12:30 Show. Big Cinema
Out of the shower at 12:00.
Since no two places in Chhindwara are separated by a distance of more than 3 kms, I decide to wait up and listen to some songs.

I Choose Parikrama.
The Gods Oblige.
I miss the 12:30 show.

3:00 PM. I finally decide to go.
Somehow my brain's not working well.
I jump two red lights on my way.
Offer the parking ticket instead of money to the guy at the ticket counter.
Offer the Movie ticket instead of the money to the guy at the cold-drinks counter.

I go to my seat. The theater is almost empty. I am alone. The movie starts. Won't get bored for 2:30 hours. Woohoo!

I knew that the movie starts with an African-American family moving to China. So a big incentive for me behind watching the movie was that I'd be hearing awesome Chinese and Nigerian-German (shorten for yourself, I don't wanna get my blog reported as racist) accents.

The Gods hear me again.

Movie making is an act of great precision.
Attention to detail is important.
But I realize that it's just as important to be precise while checking the movie listings. Each alphabet makes a difference.

Especially if that one alphabet happens to be an H, enclosed with brackets.

"Ye ladka chhota hai magar yaqeenan Karate kar sakta hai."

Dubbed in Hindi. I'm screwed.

There were no Chinese accents due to the dubbing. And the worst part...
Do you know how they tend to get the African-American guys' dubbing done in a mumbaiya Tapori accent?

I have seen a lot of weird shit in my life, but watching a 10 year old Jaden Smith saying "Tum to Dhaansu fighter ho" and "Main unhe phodna chahta hoon" does strange things to your digestive system in particular and to your will to live in general.

(Sample this. The kid wants to encourage his chick who is practicing a violin piece. The original english dialogue, with a very afro-american swagger, was "I think... you'll be smokin'." What you get to hear, visually aided with those mannerisms, was "Mere khyaal se... Tumhaara jaadu chal jaayega.")

It's okay, I think. Shit happens, I think. And as soon as I brace myself for the hindi dubbing, the Chhindwara crowd decides to play it's part.

The fight begins. Jackie Chan tackles 6 guys at once.
To my horror, people stand up and start clapping, all the while screaming "kya maara hai" and "maar saale ko"
Then the kickass kung-fu music starts. Two kids come up to the screen and start dancing.



The final scene. The coveted kung-fu tournament. Final round. The fabled "Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy." Becomes "Koi daya nahin. Koi darr nahin. Koi rehem nahin."

The pressure's building up. Our braided Jedi fights the Evil Storm Trooper (This kid equalled a storm trooper in terms of facial expressions). Yoda watches on. Evil kid has instructions to swipe the leg.

He jumps.
Turns in the air.
People excited.

The Gods of irony wake up.
Power cut.

Chicks start wondering which nailpolish would look good on the kid.
Guys marvel at his abs and consider taking up his hairstyle.
I consider drowning myself after killing all the people present there.

The movie starts again. The kid is about to deliver the final blow.
People stand up in anticipation (Yeah, that happens here)
Kid jumps. Sure to get his move right. And he does.
Roaring applause.

The experience can't get worse, I'm sure
Chhindwara's movie going crowd has other plans in mind.

Clank! Clank! Clank!
The first two are sounds of coins hitting the screen. Somebody decides to throw five buck coins on the screen as a reward for the kid.
The final clank is my jaw hitting the floor.

No more movies in Chhindwara. Ever!!!

Oh wait. I Hate Luv Storys (Sic) releases on friday.