Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Bieber Catastrophe

To be able to completely enjoy the post, Click here to watch the video, and listen to the lyrics while you watch. Sorry, I know this is asking for a lot.

Also, I have, for once, used a proof reader other than TGWTT. Thanks, Ranjitha Shivaram! (read her blog, she writes damn well herself)

Note – I am not a masochist.

It has been a year since I’ve been hearing people scream at the top of their voices that an entity named Justin Bieber sucks so hard, I had reasons to believe that a human being has finally been able to create absolute vacuum. I came across spoofs, webcomics, and works in almost every medium possible suggesting as much. Here was one guy on whose sexuality, more questions were raised than on that of Karan Johar’s, and that’s something! All because of one song??? That seemed a little strange.

But I was hell bent to spare the little traces of well-being I had left, so much so that I had decided at the very beginning that I was not going to subject myself to the torture of actually watching a Bieber Video. So much so, that at as much as a hint of a bieber song being played somewhere, I used to run away faster than a Rakhi Sawant confronted with a Burqa.

However, as soon as I left IIT, I started meeting people of the other kind. I have met guys (???) who claim to play his music (???) in loop. I have known girls who call each other whenever they find out that one of his songs is playing on TV. Finally, after my 14 year old cousin had to break up with his girlfriend after a three-year long relationship (yeah, that’s right), only because she would get real surly and difficult whenever she used to hear about a rumoured girlfriend (or boyfriend) of Justin Bieber (which is like every other day); I could take it no more. I thought, “Meh! It’s just a music video, how foul can it be?” I have this tendency of checking shit out for myself when I know it can’t damage me permanently. I was soon to find out that I was wrong on MORE THAN ONE counts.

I had to find out why people hated his songs so much.

So I buffered one of his videos on Youtube.

I was not even sure of his real name till that point of time. I just thought that he is some guy surnamed Weaver, who was unfortunate enough to have a Bong manager. However, with the starting credits, that was out of the way. The song was “Baby (ft. Ludacris)”.

Those were 3 minutes and 45 seconds of my life I’ll never get back.

The song started with the trashy “igg dish dish thoomp” beat structure, which my good friend Hridya can beatbox in her sleep, and it’s not really saying much about her beatboxing skills. The song is about a guy (apparently), who professes his undying love for a girl at... wait for it... a bowling alley!!! (Its Canada. What did you expect?).

However, this guy seems to have a plan. He has made a list of things he can tell girls belonging to that part of the globe, to get her to say yes. And he tries them all, one by one, with increasing levels of desperation through the course of the song. Those things, in that precise order, along with the exact words that he uses, are as follows:-

1. Confusing her into believe something that’s not true (“You know you love me, I know you care”)

2. Refusing to listen to her unless she says what you want to hear (“Are we an item? Girl, Quit Playin’! We’re just friends? What are you sayin’???”)

3. Emotional Blackmail (“My first love broke my heart for the first time”)

4. Monetary enticement and the lure of shopping (“I’ll buy you anything / I’ll buy you any ring”)

But deep within, he knows that nothing that he says is going to work unless it’s not complemented with that horrible tone and tune. And finally, the realization dawns (“I’m going down, down, down”).

But as soon as the chorus begins, the girl starts to show interest in Mr Bieber. I did not have to try too hard to understand why. He finally started using a language that was intelligible to the teenage chicks of North America. This is how it’s done:-

1. Choose a word (in this case, the word is BABY) which you’d say again and again AND again, so as to make sure that the chick knows that she’s being addressed. Notice that you need to say it many times because an average North American girl has an attention span of around 7 seconds, as opposed to my attention span which is OOO SHINY CLOTH SO SHINY huhbuhgwuhgwuh

2. Decide upon the message which you want to convey. Phrase it into a sentence consisting STRICTLY of monosyllabic words (here – “thought you’ll always be mine).

3. Choose a lame rhyming scheme (here done using “oh” and “no”), so that she manages to remember it even with her small attention scheme. Make sure that the words you choose for rhyming end as if with a vowel, so that you can carry them as long as required to fill the gaps (for example, Oh can become Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, and so on)

4. Punctuate the lines with a liberal spatter of the magic word “Like”

The end result of this exercise is a chorus refrain that goes:-

Baby, baby, baby, ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Like, Baby, baby, baby, nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Like, Baby, baby, baby, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Thought you’ll always be mine...

Finally, at a point when I could not imagine the song (???) getting any worse, in walked a rapping Brotha’! Although I have to give him credit for being the only seemingly intelligent person involved with the song (He had very aptly picked his stage name “Ludacris”. Either that, or the person who named him in his childhood was a seer), the rapping was terrible (sorry for the double negative). The “Rap” which included classic lines like “She woke me everyday, don’t need no starbucks”, worked as the final nail in the coffin.

Although I did cheer up towards the end for a little while, when they show Bieber and Ludacris goofing around on the sets, and the Brotha holds him in a choke-grip. How I wish he could’ve held on longer and stifled him... Ludacris was my hero and my favourite person in the whole wide world for those 2 seconds.

Finally, the songs died away, along with something inside me.

Final Verdict – Curiosity does not kill only cats. I was the latest casualty. I tried to give him a fair chance, but at the end of the day, he could not make a belieber out of me.

The final blow, however, was yet to come. I was recovering from this shock (with a generous help from Pink Floyd and Queen), when someone forwarded me a link. “Scarlett Johansson all praise for Justin Bieber”

I am a poor man. All I had was hope.

Now I have nothing.


ronsin said...

dude... why crib about beiber when there are songs like "friday" :P

the guy who typed this. said...

You, sir, deserve to have lost those nerve cells. No sympathy from me, and no, I shalt not be suckered into clicking that link and later losing all sense of reality till the time I realise that stabbing my eyes is not helping... I need to stab my brain.

Vinayak said...

Haha! Nice...

Friday is an awesome song, btw :D

Anikh said...

you just had to do it ! never knew you were into lesbo thang/thong !

Ranjitha said...

Like I said, my eyes literally fell out of their sockets when I saw that the person singing was a guy. And considering the age of the people who star in the video, when he says "Baby, baby, baby, ooooh!", I am sure he actually means it. :|

Saurabh said...

"Sorry for the double negative" :) - that was a good one.

I stumbled upon your blog quite some time ago when took a shot at your beloved Bhing mates of C Ground East.

You have a great way with words and a kickass sense of humor. Keep up the good work!

Traumatized Soul said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The no-(no non-sense) guy said...

thanks :)


thanks for it. Cool! Koni
Penetrasyon Deneyi (CPT)

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